4...3....

It's becoming more real to me, the consequences of surgery that is. I spent last night cleaning my camera gear for storage. I put on sad emo music and kind of said my goodbye's to it as I cleaned it all. *sigh* I just packed up the last of it all and put it in the closet. It may seem odd to be sad of that, but photography was a largely therapy for me. Gave me a good active outlet for my deep bruding. But I haven't really used it in the last 2 months. I always had it out though. Just sort of reinforcing the notion of taking pictures. Now it's tucked away, out of sight out of mind....and I'm sad. It's like the final nail in the coffin. I wonder if I will ever be able to use it again. Or if I will even want too. I've gotten used to doing other things I like, will there be room for it again?

5...

It's Sunday and today starts my countdown. 5 days until surgery. I'm dragging more and more each day. I'm banned from all medication until after. So sleeping is very hard. I'm relitively pissed off at everything. It's kind of like extreme PMS. No one has done anything to me, that would require me being mad. But the sheer fact of no sleep, constant pain and the stress of trying to get things setup for recovery has just zapped me. I prefer not to answer my phone or door lately. I know people are calling and visiting to be helpful and nice....but I'm not in the mood. I love these people any other day, and enjoy seeing them. I would just like to sit on my computer behind my headphones and be alone right now. But I don't. I answer my phone and my door. Invite them in and chat for awhile. I feel so obligated to the people I know, to be friendly and talkitive. But honestly that's just not me. I'm a solitary person. I like the quiet contemplation of being alone. In stressful times, this is a large driving force in me. I can understand it, but it seems as though others do not.

So as I look at the next few days, I am weary of what will follow it. Please do not read any of this and assume I'm a callous jerk. I do love my friends and family. It's just hard for me to be happy lately.

A kind of emptyness

Wow. Look at me I'm a new version of blogger...and I have no idea what they've changed. Guess the best changes are the small subtle ones. But what does a new version of blogger have to do with my title? Honestly nothing. Just my mood right now. My other "moodier" blog isn't updated to the new version yet, so I can't access it. So here I sit. It's 4 am and I'm just kind of hollow. Music has a way of doing that to me. I seem to be able to find a connection with most songs. But not country. I severed all connections to that terror long ago. My varied music taste accurately represents the different people I am. A intuitive study of my play lists, could tell you everything about me. Don't need to be a scholar, just know the songs. You could see my sadness and deep it goes. My anger and the dangerous it can go. My wantings and they torrid places they live. My love....how fragile....how endless.....how misplaced and how forsaken.

But that's if I let you know my play list....

Play time

Playing with my new lens the day before Christmas. It's a lensbaby 3g, tilt-shift lens. It's a pretty nifty little gadget. I was wanting something to take pictures of and my guitar was the perfect thing. I've never taken any pictures of it, so it was good. I messed with some filters in PS and came up with this poster blurred image I liked.