ABORT! ABORT! ABORT! ABORT!

My surgery has been cancelled due to a bacterial infection. I will let you all know when it's back on.

4...3....

It's becoming more real to me, the consequences of surgery that is. I spent last night cleaning my camera gear for storage. I put on sad emo music and kind of said my goodbye's to it as I cleaned it all. *sigh* I just packed up the last of it all and put it in the closet. It may seem odd to be sad of that, but photography was a largely therapy for me. Gave me a good active outlet for my deep bruding. But I haven't really used it in the last 2 months. I always had it out though. Just sort of reinforcing the notion of taking pictures. Now it's tucked away, out of sight out of mind....and I'm sad. It's like the final nail in the coffin. I wonder if I will ever be able to use it again. Or if I will even want too. I've gotten used to doing other things I like, will there be room for it again?

5...

It's Sunday and today starts my countdown. 5 days until surgery. I'm dragging more and more each day. I'm banned from all medication until after. So sleeping is very hard. I'm relitively pissed off at everything. It's kind of like extreme PMS. No one has done anything to me, that would require me being mad. But the sheer fact of no sleep, constant pain and the stress of trying to get things setup for recovery has just zapped me. I prefer not to answer my phone or door lately. I know people are calling and visiting to be helpful and nice....but I'm not in the mood. I love these people any other day, and enjoy seeing them. I would just like to sit on my computer behind my headphones and be alone right now. But I don't. I answer my phone and my door. Invite them in and chat for awhile. I feel so obligated to the people I know, to be friendly and talkitive. But honestly that's just not me. I'm a solitary person. I like the quiet contemplation of being alone. In stressful times, this is a large driving force in me. I can understand it, but it seems as though others do not.

So as I look at the next few days, I am weary of what will follow it. Please do not read any of this and assume I'm a callous jerk. I do love my friends and family. It's just hard for me to be happy lately.