5...

It's Sunday and today starts my countdown. 5 days until surgery. I'm dragging more and more each day. I'm banned from all medication until after. So sleeping is very hard. I'm relitively pissed off at everything. It's kind of like extreme PMS. No one has done anything to me, that would require me being mad. But the sheer fact of no sleep, constant pain and the stress of trying to get things setup for recovery has just zapped me. I prefer not to answer my phone or door lately. I know people are calling and visiting to be helpful and nice....but I'm not in the mood. I love these people any other day, and enjoy seeing them. I would just like to sit on my computer behind my headphones and be alone right now. But I don't. I answer my phone and my door. Invite them in and chat for awhile. I feel so obligated to the people I know, to be friendly and talkitive. But honestly that's just not me. I'm a solitary person. I like the quiet contemplation of being alone. In stressful times, this is a large driving force in me. I can understand it, but it seems as though others do not.

So as I look at the next few days, I am weary of what will follow it. Please do not read any of this and assume I'm a callous jerk. I do love my friends and family. It's just hard for me to be happy lately.

A kind of emptyness

Wow. Look at me I'm a new version of blogger...and I have no idea what they've changed. Guess the best changes are the small subtle ones. But what does a new version of blogger have to do with my title? Honestly nothing. Just my mood right now. My other "moodier" blog isn't updated to the new version yet, so I can't access it. So here I sit. It's 4 am and I'm just kind of hollow. Music has a way of doing that to me. I seem to be able to find a connection with most songs. But not country. I severed all connections to that terror long ago. My varied music taste accurately represents the different people I am. A intuitive study of my play lists, could tell you everything about me. Don't need to be a scholar, just know the songs. You could see my sadness and deep it goes. My anger and the dangerous it can go. My wantings and they torrid places they live. My love....how fragile....how endless.....how misplaced and how forsaken.

But that's if I let you know my play list....

Play time

Playing with my new lens the day before Christmas. It's a lensbaby 3g, tilt-shift lens. It's a pretty nifty little gadget. I was wanting something to take pictures of and my guitar was the perfect thing. I've never taken any pictures of it, so it was good. I messed with some filters in PS and came up with this poster blurred image I liked.

And the year is over for me.

Well it's happened. My doctor said the "S" word. Surgery. Feb. 1st I go in for Open Shoulder AC Reconstruction. I'm slightly freaking out about it all. Dr. Butler, will be taking some of my hamstring to use as a suture for piecing the clavicle back down. I'm not totally sure about his method, but it will most likely be something like this. He'll drill a hole through the clavicle and shoulder, hopefully missing all the nerves under the shoulder. Depending on the stability of everything he will either loop the tendon around the joint and cinch it tight to hold it together, or run the tendon through the holes and keep them in place with metal pins. If things aren't stable or don't go as he wants, then he will progress to a metal plate and screws...and then something more drastic as a last measure I'm sure. I'm looking at 2 weeks in bed unable to move for the most part. Then 4 more weeks (a total of 6) without use of my arm. Then physical therapy to re-learn how to do everything. And I mean everything, like scratching my nose will be a task. In the mean time of that going on. I will be recovering and trying to walk again. That therapy starting 6 weeks after the surgery as well. Dr. Butler's best guess is 3 months before I can take care of Pria's basic needs by myself. Like making food, getting her dressed/undressed, soft playing with her. Picking her up and running with/after her will be even longer then that. Sadly any photography is out of the question for a good long while as is swimming or hiking, so there went my spring and summer for '07

He explained all the risks involved with both procedures, and I just kind of stared at him blankly. My options weren't that great or varied, beyond deciding yes or no on the surgery. The only other choice I had to make was to use my hamstring or donor tissue. I hadn't even thought about some of the side effects he mentioned for both. For donor tissue I'm looking at rejection, having a weak suture...and this was the kicker...the possibility of infections. Not the simple little ones that come with anything foreign put in your body. But Hepatitis, HIV and Cancer cells. I looked at him as he explained that they screen everything very carefully but all science has flaws and they can't guarantee it will be healthy. Ok I'm a big supporter of options in medical care and procedures. But how can that actually be an option? Seriously? How in the world can they expect anyone to agree to a procedure with THAT looming in the corner. I smiled and passed on that option.

He said that my choice was a definite better one for my chances to heal the most. But the side effects of using my hamstring aren't that great either. My hamstring will be stronger and with no issue of rejection or infection it can begin to heal sooner. But I won't be able to walk for 2 weeks. I will not be able to run, jump or otherwise be active on it for up to 6 months.....or possibly longer. I'll have a serious limp and need therapy. But again no guarantee that I will get back full range of my leg. It's a real possibility that I will have pain and some loss of function for the rest of my life. But hey...at least I'd have my life right? ....Right?

After he explained the complications for the tissue selection he sashayed right into the ever more enjoyable complications of the shoulder surgery. Dying, blood clots, nerve damage and several more. Again I sat blankly just hearing all the bad things...waiting...hoping for the good news. He reiterated that it may not take, it may not help and I may be in the same situation I am now...but with more complications. The suture can break or tear and they would have to redo it. My shoulder could have taken so much damage already that other unseen problems are present and will come to light...bringing complications to healing and the necessity of another surgery. And on and on he went. I concentrated on breathing slowly so I wouldn't just freak out right there. Imagine if you will, that you visit your doctor to discuss the results of a previous test. Surgery has been ruled out for at least another few months. So you are just there to listen and schedule another appointment. Then you are told we are doing surgery, here are your options, see you in 3 weeks. I got to my car and just freaked out. I was really not prepared for that. I had been prepared for it last time I saw him, but over the holidays had accepted that it was never going to happen and to learn to live with the pain. Please don't understand me as saying I don't want the surgery. I do. I want my life back. I want to be able to take pictures again, play with pria, sleep through the night (when I can sleep) but with those consequences as a possible outcome...I'm not doing well.

Those of you that know me, well. Know that I have incredibly bad luck and if something can go wrong it usually does in my case. I had a 4 day root canal to the amazement of my dentist. So I look at those rare occurrences, and see them as much more of a likely hood in my case. I've gotten used to the freaky nature of my body and gotten a bit of comical relief out of it. But this one time, how I wish I was normal and followed the status quo. But I'm trying to look at the positive and be hopeful for everything. And tell myself that being different is my unique charm and maybe this time it will play in my favor.